Outpour

Hey blog it's been a while since I've made a post so it seems that it's that time again. The past few days have been quite strange and I wish things could just go back to the way they were but I know that's too much to ask. I've been depressed lately that's nothing new though I guess I've been trying to get to the source of my anger and depression and I think I've found the source, or at least one of the sources so I hope things will be looking better soon enough. Needless to say with this spike in my depression it's starting to effect other things in my life and it's effecting my relationship with the people around me which I also hate. Ironically enough I'm also starting to feel like I'm emotionally blocked, because it seems no matter how depressed I am I'm unable to shed any tears. Strangely enough my anger is still there in full effect, sometimes it takes all of my self control to stop myself from going and hurting myself or the people close to me or just to simply break something.
    I seem to have a tendency to believe that I'm some great person and above the rest in so many ways but I'm starting to realize now that I'm just becoming the opposite of what I was. As a child I lacked any sort of self confidence and I believed others when they would constantly put me down and berate me and insult my skills, intelligence, and physical appearance. People would tell me that they were just jealous or trying to hurt my feelings which probably is the truth but still who am I to cast off people's opinions even if they are negative and towards my own self? I realize that there's always gonna be someone out there that's better in pretty much everything and because of this I honestly don't strive to be the best in any one thing but I still do hold myself in high regards skill wise.
   Sometimes I feel that being myself is just too much to bare really, I feel like I'm that person people have learned they can lean on it's like I've become that person that gets taken for granted as if I'll always be there because that's just "what he does" it's just become expected of me to act a certain way and I'm quite sick of it but how can I change it without upsetting others? I guess I have to ask myself why would I care if people were upset by a change in myself that I feel is for the better, in the first place. I really shouldn't care about what these people think of me, yet I do this fact about me alone is just nerve wracking. I'm slowly realizing that people don't really change, they just start/stop doing certain things as a part of growing up and maturing but the person they really are is still in there inside waiting to come out, you can only avoid it for so long really.
   I met the love of my life, or at least the woman who I perceived to hold that title about half a year ago, she changed my life and brought happiness to me that I had hoped would last for ever, but alas it seems I was wrong. Love like life is a mysterious thing, an enigma you can never be sure of when or where you'll find it but when you do be on your toes because it can be lost just as easily as it was found. I kid you not when I say this, if you find someone you hold dear to your heart and don't let go for you may never know when they'll be gone...