Life

Woke up again today and realized how alone I am, nothing new but still it's an everyday struggle there's not a doubt in my mind that life is pain. I've tried to always be an honest person, perhaps try isn't the correct word because my honestly never fails. The only person I lie to is myself, I tell myself that these people really care about me and that things aren't as bad as I think. Sometimes I even think that she loves me like she says she does, yea I know major denial. One of the first things I said to my mother when she woke up today "The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want you to miss me" she probably is one of the only people that would miss me so that probably has more weight to it than any other conversation I've had with her.
  I tire of putting everyone else before my self and then feeling hurt when they don't do the same. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of all this love I have for people because when it comes down to it a lot of them aren't worth it, it seems. People I've called my "best friend" for years don't even call anymore to even see if I"m alive, I'm fully aware that people grow up but never did I think people I knew as a little kid would change so much it leaves me feeling betrayed and used. Been there every time possible for them through every thing assuming they would do the same. I knew people could be surprising but things like this just kinda hurt and really throw me for a loop it's more of a disappointment than anything else really. Expecting something out of someone and then getting nothing, it's like waking up on Christmas morning and not having any presents as a child. You start to wonder "did I do something wrong?"
  Perhaps in time I can become less sensitive and caring of a person like those around me so I can fit in and not feel like the outcast anymore. It's by no means what I wish to happen but it seems to work, desensitize your self to everything happening around you and just be oblivious and you'll be happy after all they do say ignorance is bliss am I right? Is it possible if I make a change for the worst in my personality people will learn to appreciate me more and not take me for granted as the nice guy who will always be there forgiving and saying "it will be ok" constantly striving to ease others pain and putting mine on the back burners not to seem selfish? I suppose only time will tell what the future holds for me and everyone else who goes through this thing we called life. I do know one thing though  definite attitude adjustments are desperately needed if we want to improve the "quality" of our lives rather than the "quantity" if you catch my meaning. Sad to say people just don't seem to get along anymore, but did they ever....?
Peace