Outpour

Hey blog it's been a while since I've made a post so it seems that it's that time again. The past few days have been quite strange and I wish things could just go back to the way they were but I know that's too much to ask. I've been depressed lately that's nothing new though I guess I've been trying to get to the source of my anger and depression and I think I've found the source, or at least one of the sources so I hope things will be looking better soon enough. Needless to say with this spike in my depression it's starting to effect other things in my life and it's effecting my relationship with the people around me which I also hate. Ironically enough I'm also starting to feel like I'm emotionally blocked, because it seems no matter how depressed I am I'm unable to shed any tears. Strangely enough my anger is still there in full effect, sometimes it takes all of my self control to stop myself from going and hurting myself or the people close to me or just to simply break something.
    I seem to have a tendency to believe that I'm some great person and above the rest in so many ways but I'm starting to realize now that I'm just becoming the opposite of what I was. As a child I lacked any sort of self confidence and I believed others when they would constantly put me down and berate me and insult my skills, intelligence, and physical appearance. People would tell me that they were just jealous or trying to hurt my feelings which probably is the truth but still who am I to cast off people's opinions even if they are negative and towards my own self? I realize that there's always gonna be someone out there that's better in pretty much everything and because of this I honestly don't strive to be the best in any one thing but I still do hold myself in high regards skill wise.
   Sometimes I feel that being myself is just too much to bare really, I feel like I'm that person people have learned they can lean on it's like I've become that person that gets taken for granted as if I'll always be there because that's just "what he does" it's just become expected of me to act a certain way and I'm quite sick of it but how can I change it without upsetting others? I guess I have to ask myself why would I care if people were upset by a change in myself that I feel is for the better, in the first place. I really shouldn't care about what these people think of me, yet I do this fact about me alone is just nerve wracking. I'm slowly realizing that people don't really change, they just start/stop doing certain things as a part of growing up and maturing but the person they really are is still in there inside waiting to come out, you can only avoid it for so long really.
   I met the love of my life, or at least the woman who I perceived to hold that title about half a year ago, she changed my life and brought happiness to me that I had hoped would last for ever, but alas it seems I was wrong. Love like life is a mysterious thing, an enigma you can never be sure of when or where you'll find it but when you do be on your toes because it can be lost just as easily as it was found. I kid you not when I say this, if you find someone you hold dear to your heart and don't let go for you may never know when they'll be gone...

Life

Woke up again today and realized how alone I am, nothing new but still it's an everyday struggle there's not a doubt in my mind that life is pain. I've tried to always be an honest person, perhaps try isn't the correct word because my honestly never fails. The only person I lie to is myself, I tell myself that these people really care about me and that things aren't as bad as I think. Sometimes I even think that she loves me like she says she does, yea I know major denial. One of the first things I said to my mother when she woke up today "The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want you to miss me" she probably is one of the only people that would miss me so that probably has more weight to it than any other conversation I've had with her.
  I tire of putting everyone else before my self and then feeling hurt when they don't do the same. Sometimes I wish I could get rid of all this love I have for people because when it comes down to it a lot of them aren't worth it, it seems. People I've called my "best friend" for years don't even call anymore to even see if I"m alive, I'm fully aware that people grow up but never did I think people I knew as a little kid would change so much it leaves me feeling betrayed and used. Been there every time possible for them through every thing assuming they would do the same. I knew people could be surprising but things like this just kinda hurt and really throw me for a loop it's more of a disappointment than anything else really. Expecting something out of someone and then getting nothing, it's like waking up on Christmas morning and not having any presents as a child. You start to wonder "did I do something wrong?"
  Perhaps in time I can become less sensitive and caring of a person like those around me so I can fit in and not feel like the outcast anymore. It's by no means what I wish to happen but it seems to work, desensitize your self to everything happening around you and just be oblivious and you'll be happy after all they do say ignorance is bliss am I right? Is it possible if I make a change for the worst in my personality people will learn to appreciate me more and not take me for granted as the nice guy who will always be there forgiving and saying "it will be ok" constantly striving to ease others pain and putting mine on the back burners not to seem selfish? I suppose only time will tell what the future holds for me and everyone else who goes through this thing we called life. I do know one thing though  definite attitude adjustments are desperately needed if we want to improve the "quality" of our lives rather than the "quantity" if you catch my meaning. Sad to say people just don't seem to get along anymore, but did they ever....?
Peace

Just some thoughts and reflection.

Life is full of so many wonderful and painful things to experience like love, friendship, family, these can all be great at times and horrible at others. For example I recently lost someone I loved deeply but I regained a few good friends that I was very close to in the past. I didn't plan on either of these things happening but hey that's the mystery of life it's crazy, weird, lovely, and amazing all in one neat little package just waiting for you to unwrap it and dive inside to take what you will from it.
  On the other hand I believe I have realized what I want out of life. I'm sure some people will think it's stupid that some young guy is sayin he knows what he wants in life it might be a little cliche even but the thing about life people don't seem to realize is that all lives end the same, regardless of the actions and methods done on the way there. I'd like to think the things I want out of life are "unique" or "different" but I'm sure there's plenty others who want the same things. love, a family, a nice career good health, a nice place to live and good friends.
 All in all life is what you make of it and I haven't been making the most of mine to be honest but I'd like to make a change there. I'm a firm believer in practice what you preach even though I don't always do the same (how ironic). I've been putting things to the side out of fear of rejection or failure but that's surely what ny life will be full of if I don't step it up and I encourage you all to do the same.

First blog

Hey people, I'm new to this whole blogging thing but my friend said I should try it out so here I am. I suppose I can post just about anything that comes to mind here so perhaps I'll do just that, I hope everyone enjoys it. Sometimes it's nice to just let things out, so I'll start with this. I've recently been heart broken by a woman I thought I was gonna wind up spending my life with even though we only knew each other for a few months things were going so great and so fast I didn't think anything of it I just enjoyed the happiness we shared with each other. I knew she had problems with relationships in the past so I had been warned yes but I still decided to give it a go and what do ya know? It seems to have turned out pretty badly at least on my part. I still miss her dearly  and never did anything to hurt her so I can at least have peace in the fact that there was nothing more that I could have done to keep the relationship strong than I had already done. It's pretty personal so I won't go into details and I'll just leave it at that my friends however already know the story for the most part and that's enough I'd say. However I will give piece of advice that you can choose to do what you will with it. If you are warned by someone's ex, not to get with them it's not always jealousy sometimes it's a genuine warning, I learned this the hard way but hopefully you don't as well. Also if you really love someone even if you're mad at them or scared of what your future together might hold, don't just give up on the relationship if you really love them you'll talk to them about it and try to make it work through all the ups and downs because this is what life is about, getting past your problems not avoiding them or pushing them to the side.